January 20, 2026
My natural inclination, when someone comes to me with a problem, is to immediately jump into action mode. Thinking to myself, “What can I do? How can I make this better?”
It’s a problem-solving mindset that’s often helpful, but it isn’t always what’s truly needed in the moment. Though my kids may have appreciated my action approach over the years, my husband would say it isn’t always easy being married to a coach!
I had to learn to when he approaches me with a problem, to pause and ask what he is looking for in that situation. I’ll ask:
- “Do you just need to talk this out loud?”
- “Do you want me to tell you everything’s going to be okay?”
- “Or are you looking for me to go into coach mode?”
Understanding his need before defaulting to my go-to response has made a world of difference.
Recently, I heard someone describe this concept so beautifully that I had to share it. It perfectly captures what I’ve been trying to teach — and frankly, retrain myself on — especially now that my kids are older and need a different kind of support.
The question is this:
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I truly believe that if we start with this simple yet profound question when someone comes to us with a challenge, we can give them what they actually need in that moment, rather than just what we’re inclined to offer.
We may eventually shift into other modes — but beginning with understanding is the key to genuine support.