Have you ever noticed that the quality of your day is often determined by the questions you ask yourself?
Not the questions other people ask you. The ones running quietly through your own mind.
Some of those questions move us forward. Others keep us stuck.
Think about the difference between asking yourself, “Why does this always happen to me?” versus “What can I learn from this?”
Same situation. Completely different outcome.
I’ve always believed that our internal dialogue shapes our external behavior. As leaders, we spend a lot of time asking questions of others—our teams, our clients, our colleagues. But we don’t always pause to ask ourselves the questions that matter most.
Active Questions Create Active Leaders
One of my favorite leadership thinkers, Marshall Goldsmith, introduced the idea of active questions in his book Triggers. Instead of focusing on what happened to us, active questions focus on what we chose to do.
His research found that asking ourselves questions centered on personal responsibility increases accountability and helps reinforce the behaviors we want to develop.
Notice the difference between these two questions:
“Was my team engaged today?” Versus “Did I do my best to engage my team today?”
One places responsibility somewhere else. The other puts it back where we have influence.
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Focus on What You Can Control
It’s easy to point to difficult personalities, changing priorities, or circumstances outside our control. And let’s be honest—those things absolutely impact us.
But one thing to keep in mind is that we have far more influence over our own choices than we sometimes realize. Every day we decide:
- How we communicate.
- How we respond to setbacks.
- Whether we stay curious or jump to conclusions.
- Whether we strengthen relationships or unintentionally weaken them.
- Leadership starts there.
Six Questions Worth Asking Every Day
Marshall Goldsmith suggests asking yourself these six active questions:
- Did I do my best to set clear goals today?
- Did I do my best to make progress toward my goals today?
- Did I do my best to find meaning today?
- Did I do my best to be happy today?
- Did I do my best to build positive relationships today?
- Did I do my best to be fully engaged today?
What I love about these questions is that they don’t ask whether you achieved perfection. They ask whether you did your best.
That subtle shift matters. It encourages progress over perfection and ownership over excuses.
My Favorite Question
If you’ve been reading my newsletters for a while, you probably won’t be surprised by the question I come back to most often:
“Did I stay curious, and not jump to conclusions?”
- Curiosity changes conversations.
- Curiosity strengthens relationships.
- Curiosity makes us better listeners, better coaches, and better leaders.
When we replace assumptions with questions, we create space for understanding. And that’s where connection begins.
Your Leadership Reflection This Week
Before your day ends today, take five quiet minutes. Instead of reviewing your to-do list, review your leadership. Ask yourself:
- Did I help someone succeed today?
- Did I make someone feel heard?
- Did I assume, or did I ask?
- Did I strengthen a relationship?
- What would I do differently tomorrow?
Leadership isn’t built in one defining moment. It’s built in the questions we ask ourselves day after day.
The better our questions, the better our choices. And better choices create stronger relationships, stronger teams, and stronger leaders.