Those of you who’ve seen me in person know that I’m not the tallest person. So not surprising that a reader reached out with this problem:
I’m a stereotypical feminine female with a petite build and a soft voice in my third year of medical school. Because of the way I present myself, I’ve had some… interesting encounters with male patients, colleagues, and superiors. For example, I’ve had patients call me “sweetheart” or “darling,” people ask me “Are you old enough to be here?”, some mocking the strength of my strikes when I perform the knee-jerk exam, and others cutting me off or speaking over me. Outside my institution, I’ve had people laugh in my face when I tell them I want to go into emergency medicine, saying things like, “Are you sure? Are you strong enough to adjust a dislocated shoulder?” Because I don’t like drama, I remain silent in situations like these, but deep down, I feel defeated.
How do I not let others judge me by how I look? How do I thrive in a field where masculinity is deemed equal to competency?
I can definitely relate! When I started my career switch from finance to the front of a room, I worried that people would think I was not old enough to have any credibility, or, worse yet, “who is the pipsqueak telling me how to lead?”
What’s Really Going On (It’s Not Just You)
Before we get into what to do, it’s important to recognize what’s really going on here. These moments aren’t about your capability—they’re about perception. Bias often shows up in subtle, everyday behaviors: interruptions, word choice, tone, assumptions. When people are uncertain or operating on autopilot, they default to stereotypes. That doesn’t make it right—but it does make it common. And it means this is not just about you.
We can’t control how someone will act toward us, only how we process and respond to their actions. The good news? You have more choice than you think.
Choose Your Response Based on Your Goal
Before choosing how to respond, pause and ask yourself: What outcome do I want here? Is this a moment to educate, assert, deflect, or ignore? Is this a one-time interaction or an ongoing relationship? Your response can—and should—vary based on your goal.
I shared that she has a few different choices when caught in these scenarios…
Change Her Presentation. She may shift her shoulders back to showcase a more powerful stance. She could also get some vocal coaching so that she can speak with a little more emphasis. Her voice doesn’t have to be loud so much as it should be confident and direct. If she employs these tactics, people may not minimize the things coming out of her mouth.
Call Them Out, Diplomatically. Choice 1 is absolutely beneficial…but results don’t happen overnight. There are still many things she’ll regularly encounter on a daily basis. Therefore, call them out, and while this may seem harsh, there is a way to do this amicably while assuming positive intent (or at least projecting your desired intent.) For example, if somebody calls her “sweetheart” she might say, “I trust that you don’t mean anything by that, but I prefer to be called _______.”
Use Humor and Bridge. By taking the comment lightly and responding with a sense of humor you diffuse potential tension. At the same time, you want to bridge to the message you want them to receive. If somebody says, “Are you old enough to be here?” she might say, “I’ll take that as a compliment for my great skin, but trust me, I know what I’m doing.”
Speak Over It. Taking up your space in the room or conversation will shift or at least pause people’s tendency to talk over you. Find your phrasing to let somebody know you are not finished speaking without coming off as angry. Pose it as a statement, not a question asking permission. The next time she’s interrupted, she might say, “I am so glad something I said inspired a reaction. Hold that thought and please allow me to finish” or “Don’t let my pause fool you, I wasn’t finished. Let me continue my thought.”
It can also help to have a few go-to phrases ready, so you don’t have to think in the moment. When you’re caught off guard, preparation becomes your confidence. Simple, clear statements like “Let me finish my thought,” “I’d like to be referred to as…,” or “Here’s how I see it…” can go a long way in helping you stay composed and in control.
And just as important: not every moment requires a response. Choosing to let something go is not weakness, it can be a strategic decision. Not every comment deserves your energy. The key is that it’s a choice, not a default driven by discomfort or self-doubt.
A Final Reframe: Take Up Space Without Apology
Over time, remember that credibility isn’t built in a single interaction—it’s built through consistency. The more you show up, speak up, and demonstrate your expertise, the more people recalibrate how they see you. This is the long game. You are shaping your reputation with every interaction.
In any scenario, it’s important to analyze each choice and determine what is right for the moment. You don’t have to take responsibility for how people are treating you, only how you respond to their treatment.
You don’t need to become someone else to be taken seriously. You need to fully occupy who you already are. You deserve to be heard. Don’t let anyone take that away from you!
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A few weeks ago, I wrote about how fear has motivated me this year to once again raise awareness and donations for the Lupus Research Alliance.
For those unfamiliar with it, Lupus is a painful autoimmune disease that is more common than leukemia, muscular dystrophy, cerebral palsy, multiple sclerosis, and cystic fibrosis. Yet, it doesn’t get nearly the same attention or research dollars to find a cure for this currently incurable condition.
Because no two cases are exactly the same and its symptoms mimic those of other diseases, the exact cause of lupus is unknown, so it is difficult to diagnose. I was seeing three different types of doctors before one put the puzzle pieces together, and I was diagnosed in 2018. We were also lucky that in December of 2020, the doctors finally figured out why my son was getting sick so often. Right before his 15th birthday, he started chemo for his diagnosis of lupus nephritis and rapidly progressive kidney disease.
You can read the full story here.
The good news, James is in remission, and in his sophomore year at Michigan – the reason for our team’s name Blue Maize & Purple.I am doing ok too 😊. Even better news, Naomi is still not diagnosed with Lupus, though it may be in her future.
Please consider supporting our team Blue Maize & Purple. The amazing thing about the LRA is that every dollar raised goes directly to research. Since the LRA Board covers all fundraising and administrative costs, 100% of your gift will support lupus research programs.