We recently wrapped up one of our live sessions for the Connected Leader Club course with a diverse group of leaders and entrepreneurs. The live discussions are my favorite because I find myself learning just as much as I’m coaching.
We had been exploring the nuances of listening and communication, and participants were openly sharing their personal challenges in these areas. We spent time talking about all the tendencies we have that hold us back from truly listening.
A Listening Self Audit
Some of the most common traps people fall into are listed below. A great self-audit is to take a look at this list and pick the two you are most often guilty of doing. Then build a new habit to mitigate and minimize that tendency.
For me, my number one offence is interrupting. I keep a pen nearby to write down the thought that come to mind and the words spoken that prompted the thought so I don’t spend my time trying to remember what I want to say. I also let people know I am working on it and asked them not to let me interrupt. Often polite people will cede the floor; I asked them not to.
Tendencies that inhibit good listening:
- Interrupting
- Judging or arguing mentally
- Jumping to conclusions
- Projecting your ideas
- Being defensive
- Figuring out what to say next
- Having expectations or preconceived ideas
- Listening through filter biases
- Using condescending or closed body language
The Business of Listening
As the conversation continued, a CEO of a financial firm made a profound statement. This successful leader is a self-described left-brain thinker. Having known him for years, I can attest that he is highly extroverted, a natural talker, charismatic, and easily energized by interaction which, more often than not, leads to interruptions.
He stated simply, “It’s good business to listen.” I loved that a leader with such strong personality and communication preference could recognize when those very strengths might become a hindrance and consciously shift towards a posture of listening.
He was aware that when he started to speak, he shut down the thoughts of others since after all, he is the boss. His team assumed that only his thoughts mattered since it was his company. The truth was, the CEO needed the exchange to develop the ideas. He wanted to be challenged. He wanted to hear what they thought. He realized his natural enthusiastic response that he saw as collaborative wasn’t communicating that he was listening. But he wasn’t sure what to do about it.
The Art of Inquiry
Building on this idea, my fellow CLC coach, Lou Diamond, pointed out a fundamental truth…
The one who asks the questions is leading the conversation.
When we truly listen, it naturally guides us to ask thoughtful questions. And it’s not just about asking any question. It’s about asking the right questions – not the hypotheticals, not the rhetorical ones, and certainly not those laced with embedded judgment or pre-drawn conclusions.
Instead, the questions that truly lead and guide a conversation are those that stem from a genuine place of curiosity, openness, exploration, and a desire for collaboration. Listening opens up innovation rather than shutting down ideas.
Rather than sharing what the CEO thought after he heard a piece of their idea, he planned to start asking probing questions to learn more about their vision before building off of it. He planned to clearly state how what they said sparked the thought and share how he connected the dots. He planned to recognize, acknowledge, and appreciate the contributions.
So, take it from one of our newest Connected Leaders: it’s not just a nice skill to have, it’s good business to truly listen.